Advice Column for November 13, 2005

Damn, people. It came to this. I never thought it would.

It seems that some people think they should abuse your email address. That was my case, anyhow. I used the email address ray@achewood.com for the last couple years, but lately it just became too clogged with BS to function properly. Do people who sell "Jackrabbit Vibrator" really think I need seventeen notices a day about this product. Do people who are lying about Cialis really think I will write back to someone named "Zambo Calrhouni." Does anyone even believe that there is an Irish National Lottery, and that the prize has been forfeited to them, particularly when they live about a twenty six-day drive including barges from Ireland.

Yeah, I cancelled ray@achewood.com. I have a new email address, but I'm gonna hold off for a while. Not tell anybody, you know? I'm pissed. I deleted over 100 spams from my old outbox this afternoon alone. That is like buying an hour-long CD where only five seconds of the music is good. That is like buying a Primus CD.

Anyhow, I will solve one problem, but then I have to go. You made it this way, people. You made me mad.
-=Ray=-

I take frequent business trips. At one location, I have been a regular customer of a prostitute. She works in a club where it is practically legal. A couple months ago I mentioned that I would like to take her out some night, and she said that it would be better if I continued to see her in the club. On my most recent trip, somebody told her they thought there might be a police raid that night. After we did our thing, she told me that the next time I was in town, I should contact her ahead of time and we could meet at a hotel instead of the club. I said it sounded fun, then she said something about eating dinner together. Does this mean she is interested in pursuing a relationship, or is she trying to make more money by not splitting her action with the club, or is she afraid to be at the club if they start having raids? I'm happy whatever the reason, but I need to know whether I should be offering her money when I see her again. I don't want to offer her money when she is thinking it's a date because that might make her feel cheap. I don't want to act like I'm getting freebies now when she is planning on making more money, because that would make me look cheap.

Since this resembles relationship advice, I feel compelled to let you know I am 30 years old.
"S.," Internet

Dear S.,

It sounds like you're hoping to have a meaningful relationship with a prostitute. Did you know that Pretty Woman was a fake movie and if you want a relationship you should not use a prostitute. Man seriously I am so tired of the Pygmalion (Greek history, thanks Beef!) self-trap men create around prostitutes. That is like every other question I get asked lately, maybe because the holidays are coming up and guys need someone to take to their Oracle Corporation Christmas lobby bash.

Do not give your heart to a prostitute. The relationship was pretty much marked for death the moment you tremblingly put your first C-note on the dresser. Did you notice how, while your head was turned, she had her special ass-sized bottle of mace fully trained on your cranium? No, you didn't. Do not give your heart to a prostitute.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.