My Advice Column for September 2, 2004

Hey Chochachos!

I got me this fancy Jura espresso/coffee machine, and I’ve been making some sweet coffee drinks lately! You just put fresh roasted beans in the top, press a button, and it grinds, packs, percolates, and cleans itself. It has dual frothers, a world time clock, a Bang & Olufsen chime, 24 karat gold plating, and its own URL so I can log into it from my room and get it started brewing. Sweet!

I Am Java Man,
-=RAY=-

Several years ago I was in a serious accident and had to have my left leg amputated right above the knee. The prosthetic device I've been using has served me well since then, but it's getting to be a bit long in the tooth. I'm also a bit more flush with cash than is normal for me, so I'm in not just in the market for a new leg, but for a new leg that says I got style.
Lord Nelson

Dear Lord Nelson,

Buy one that can hold an upside-down bottle of Jäger inside, with a little spigot that protrudes through the fake rubber skin above the ankle. No cop in the world is going to bug you for drinking out of your own leg.

Hope that helps.

I need some advice. I spend WAY too much time on the Internet., and it is interfering with how I live my life. There's a lot of stuff I want to get done, but I end up not doing any of it. Typically, I'll get home with plans to log on to check my email and then get going on other stuff. Once I'm online, I check the news, and some other sites I like, and then I start chatting with someone online. Before I know it, I've been emailing and chatting and surfing for hours, it's time to go to bed, and I haven't done anything else I wanted to do. How do I break this habit?
Thanks, "Can't Log Off in Northeast USA"

Dear CLONE-USA,

Heh, I can’t spend too little time on the Internet! I know some people in IBM ads say that the Globalization of Friendship is the real deal, where like a small school child in Kansas can picture-chat with a small school child in Guongding Province, and the music is by John Williams, but I’m here to tell you that’s all just dunkus. If you want to talk to your friend, ask him to come to your house! Give him a beer and shoot the breeze. If your friend can’t come to your house, then ask him to plan a visit. Don’t act like

ROTF LMFAO TTYL TTYL2 :) :P

Here’s what you should do: use self-discipline. Set an egg timer for ten minutes or whatever. Have some dignity.

My mother has a terrible habit. Whenever there is a food in the house that can be easily divided in half (bagels, graham crackers, etc.) she will take only half of one, leaving the other half in the bag, often times never even eating the other half of the bagel. I have told her many times that this bugs me and have asked her many times to please only have half of an item if she plans on eating the other half soon after. Is this habit indicative of a larger problem? Does she continue eating only half of things out of spite for me? Is there any way for me to get her to stop?
Ivan, DE

Dear Ivan,

Why don’t you eat the other half? That’s all she’s doing, is saving food for her offspring. Every animal in nature does that, it’s a sign of love and care.

PS: Dude, don’t rag on your mom. That is what a piece of shit does.

I know you're into cooking. How do you feel about people seasoning or otherwise altering food you've made for them? I just made some nice Vietnamese shrimp salad for the family, and for some reason my sister decided to go ahead and put tomatoes in it. I was actually kind of offended by this, as tomatoes are totally inappropriate to the cuisine, and if I thought they would have tasted good in there I would have put them in myself. Was I wrong to be upset?
No Tomatoes in Boston

Dear No Tomatoes,

Sometimes when you go to a fancy restaurant they do not have salt and pepper on the table, and you have to ask for it. It implies that they think their food is perfect, and “who are you to judge.” When I see that I always call bullshit. I walk back into the kitchen, snatch the cook’s little tub of salt, and give him the stink-eye. Sometimes I sucker-push him real hard on the shoulder so he has to regain his balance.

The fact of the matter is, all our mouths taste things slightly differently. If it made your sister happy to add tomatoes, then that’s what serving people food is all about. Whenever we grill filets mignon at my place, Beef pours ketchup and A-1 all over his and barely chews, but I don’t say anything, because I want the dude to be happy. Even if that means ruining an eighty dollar mail-order Kobe steak that I was on a two year waiting list for. He didn’t even stay for Braveheart, because that made him happy.

Is there a polite way to tell someone they stink? I have a friend who stinks.
Casey, BC

P.S. My wife and I are expecting a child (a baby, actually) around New Years, and if it's a boy, we're going to name him after you! No joke! (If it is a girl, we will name her after Beef's girl, Molly.)

Dear Casey,

Yeah, stinkin’ is a tough one. It’s like, some guys actually think they’re supposed to stink, to show that they just did a hard job or whatever. They kind of lord it over you, like it makes them “alpha” or something. Some guys don’t care that they stink, they just stink because they’re slobs and they eat cheese noodles all day. Either way, don’t bother. They know, and they like it or don’t care.

PS: Congrats on the kid. My full name is Raymond Quentin Smuckles, so just tack your family name on after that.

I would like some ideas on gifts that a gentleman such as yourself would dig. My boyfriend's birthday is coming up and I'd like to pick out something snazzy for him.
Kelli G.

Dear Kelli,

How very thoughtful of you! Depending on your price range, I suggest the following:

• New Gillette Mach 3 razor
• ”The Champagne Room Comes To You.” This is where you dress up as a dancer and you set up a little padded booth in the corner of his living room, complete with a little round table and tablecloth and a candle and some champagne in a bucket of ice. Then you sit and ask him questions about what he does for a living and touch his shirt and thigh a lot. Charge him $150 for the champagne. This will drive him wild.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.