My Advice Column for August 2, 2004

Prorichas,

Man, has my life been improved by havin’ Waterbury around! That dude has got my rhythm down and is always headin’ me off at the pass with like a pork tenderloin sandwich or some golf lessons. That is the reason that I finally have the good peace of mind and clear noggin to finally answer all the questions you’ve been pilin’ up in my inbox. I may run two of these this week, to get caught up.

Phorochochichixhltlan,
-=RAY=-

I'm having a veritable crisis of nomenclature and would be most delighted by your assistance. My friends call me 'Joe' because my name is Joseph (this sounds too biblical). My middle name is Abraham. Do you think I would be better served by something less "normal" or "average" than 'Joe'? Eg, nobody is really called Abe any more, I think that would be a cool thing to call myself. But, 'Ham might not be so cool. What do you say? Do you have a middle name?
Thanks bro, Joe

Dear Joe,

I would like to hear you called Dodighracha. I have been way into the indigenous names of the Aztec/Chicalpuohuatl people lately and I suggest that name based on your email. If you want to learn more about the Aztec/Chicalpuohuatl people then you can read Bill Bryson’s latest book where he visits South America and talks about how much beer he drank there because his wife wasn’t around. He's a pretty fun writer, we're talkin' about doing a book about the Andes together.

You totally left me hanging with the last Ray's place. Pussy-flavored vodka? Come ON! Where can I get some? Is there anyone in the US that is importing/distributing? Know of any good online distrbutors in Japan?
Anonymous, Internet

Oh, sorry dogg. My mistake. It was “69”-flavored vodka, not pussy-flavored. I don’t know how I botched that one, as I completely knew what I was talking about, because the Sony dudes have sent me like six cases of Kunnichi muzukasii “69” over the last couple years. It tastes pretty much just like your basic 69-flavored vodka.

For a couple of years now, I have been noticing that my cat will never pass up an oppurtunity to lick a plastic bag when one is near her. She will on occasion sit for hours next to a bag slobbering all over it. Is this a normal thing for cats to do? Should I discourage said behavior?
-n cairns

Dear Cairns,

No, that is not normal. If you think about it, for someone to sit and slobber on a bag for a couple hours is definitely a bad sign. Imagine if you knew a person, and they were in a room with you, and they slobbered on a plastic bag for a few hours, like with their eyes wide open. How can you think that is normal. Please help your cat to get better.

I'm 21 years old and relatively inexperienced when it comes to sex (I was raised in a religious, as in sex is bad type of religious, household). Lately I've been having trouble getting it up. And when I do, it sometimes goes soft without warning. It seems to be a new thing, and it appears to be a problem only when I'm trying to please my lady. And I'm very eager to do so, as she's very attractive. She's patient, as I'm willing to please in other ways, but man, it's getting me down! I'm not in the best of shape, but getting there with better diet and exercise, and I'm not on my meds (anti-depressants, which sometimes could screw with my drive) anymore. What could it be? Please help me out, Ray. Gratefully and anxiously awaiting your wise words,
C in LA

Dear C.,

Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from with the whole idea that Christian guilt is the reason your peter is suckin’, but that might not be the only reason. Have you had a physical lately? You should get a physical. You might have prostate cancer. Most medical plans cover an annual physical. I get one once a month, just to play it safe. The doctor will put his finger into you, into your place, but it is kind of like a right of passage, like owning a Rolex or getting your first BMW. Lots of times us guys who get full physicals can share a good laugh about that part of the physical, usually after a round of golf, over drinks and steak.

Just wanted to point out that Salmon is a fresh water fish. It does not live in the oceans. It lives in fresh water streams about the US. Good advice regardless on telling the lady to get her fish at a quality store though.

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t know that this is true. Maybe someone from the zoo could write in? I am pretty sure I have seen some educational videos where the salmon go from the ocean up into little creeks where they were born. Anyhow, readers, please stay tuned on whether salmon is from fresh or salt water.

Being a cat who has also imbibed in several human drugs, I was wondering if you could tell me what catnip is like? Is it comparable to anything we humans can enjoy?
Andy, Denton, TX

Dear Andy,

What do you mean, “human drugs”? Felines had invented booze and J’s way before you and your ape-people even figured out that it hurt to hit a rock on your own head. My people have been high since the Mesozoic, dogg, and you’d be wise to admit that to yourself.

Catnip is sort of like Whip-Its, if you really must know.

I'm sure you have had many a lovers and from that experience have a stockpile of vocabulary to describe their body parts, being the sexy wordsmith you are. That's why I could not think of a single better person to ask this question to.

My friend and I where thinking of synonyms for vagina. P---y and c--t are too crude to say to your lover and vagina is too formal. I am looking for a word that could be screamed out during sex but will never offend any lady. Something classy that could be said over a glass of wine but also something arousing.

Sincerely, Thomas from Florida

Dear Thomas,

Yes, I know of which you speak. There is basically no word in the English lexicon which a man can say to a lady to describe her toilet taco in a casual, non-inflammatory manner. Isn’t that odd? I believe it is because that particular region is so wholly misunderstood by the population at large. A man has his -ing -ong, and his -ock and his m-king stick, and that is all fine and good, but a lady is a between a barrel of pickles and a blind andouille when it comes time to refer to her Judas’s Fatback in polite company. No one in the history of time has ever come up with a smooth way of referring to a lady’s nethers, and I think there may be a very good reason for that. The reason is that ladies would rather you talked about other, less obvious things. Don’t bark like a dog, dogg.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.