Advice Column for April 22, 2005

I’m back! I guess I didn’t feel like writing advice for a while. My main reason was that all the questions I was getting were super boring and repetitive. Here is a guideline to not making me incredibly bored and also to getting help for your particular disease or problem!

a) Don’t ask me about martinis
b) If you are having a relationship problem, please be at least over 27
c) I don’t know what the best car or gun is, that is mainly up to opinion.

Okay, great! Now we can get on back into the action! Now the action is beginning. This is kind of exciting for me, as it has been a while. My advice might not be the best at first.

Thanks chochrichachris,
-=Ray=-
ray(at)achewood.com

I'm kinda a big guy, weighing in at 260 or so. I appreciate a booze buzz as much as anyone, but it takes quite a bit to get me humming. The amount of malt beverage I need to drink to get me going is just hellacious and not worth it, and booze + soda means drinking a LOT of soda which sits in your stomach like slime. I was wondering if you had any ways that I could use stronger things to get me going quickly...but in such a way that I feel like I am not drinking from the dumpster outside Jiffy Lube.
-Mike

Dear Mike,

Man, I ain’t like to be an eater-hater, but if you gonna bring the damage with the drinkohol, you got to drop about 40% of your body weight. The problem does not belong to alcohol (I always find myself saying this) but rather with the biological maxi-pad that you have created. Unless you are 7’10”, then you have no business weighing 260. I ain’t some kind of nice momma. I’m gonna tell you that you’re fat, dogg, but it is in the best interests of you getting your buzz on without sinking ten bottles of Cutty Sark. If there is a local large pond, then walk around it three times at lunch every day and then do the small sandwich thing. In no time your tolerance will drop and you’ll get the spins after an airplane bottle of Sutter Home cabernet. Nice.

Ray, tell me straight: are these guys full of shit, or might they actually have a pretty good idea here? The place is http://ohmygoditburns.com/ [scroll down two screens], and what they're doing is running the cheapest, nastiest vodka they can find ("Vladimir Vodka"!) through a Brita water filter three times. They claim that the result is as good as Ketel One.
Anonymous, Internet

Dear Matthew,

In history, there was a period where early scientific thinkers tried to practice something called “alchemy,” a process whereby they attempted to turn lesser metals into gold. Needless to say, all alchemists never made gold and instead ended up dying of mercury-based facial tics. Have you ever heard an older person tell you, “You can’t polish a turd”? That saying is up there with “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” as far as I’m concerned. It is one of about five basic sayings.

These dudes were great to play around and have a fun night with bad vodka and pictures, but save yourself the time and money and get the top shelf fifth. There’s a reason Ketel One commands the premium price: you don’t got to spend all night setting up a lab to make it stop resembling Armor-All.

A few months ago, I learned how to make some very basic sushi (I'm still pretty mediocre, but I can bang out a passable plate of kappamaki if the need arises). Unfortunately, aside from this, my culinary skills barely extend beyond the realm of ramen noodles and Kraft Dinner. After helping to cook dinner at my girlfriend's parents' house on Thanksgiving, and being fairly impressed with her mom's cooking, I feel like broadening my horizons in food preparation. So the question is this, are there any recipes or cookbooks that you would recommend for an aspiring chef with no real experience?
Connor, Edmonton

Dear Connor,

Now, hold on here. Kappamaki is a pretty complicated recipe — it ain’t no water + butter Kraft Dinner. You sound like you have what it takes to hang Real with some of my nastiest pages, including this just sick book by handsome old Todd English, and another book by Tyler Florence, who is just handsome as hell.

If you’re into even more foolproof recipes, I guess I recommend Cook’s Illustrated. The dude in charge of it, this Christopher Kimball guy, is this enormous yankee Wookiee, but he has this staff of decently thick blonde ladies that test all kinds of recipes and note them in real clear terms.

I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for a while now, and we're going to meet up this winter break. I live in the UK, and she lives in the US, so it's a little hard for us to meet up. Because of this, I want to make sure that the time we spend together (about 3 weeks) is as special as it can be. I know you're the man to come to when it comes to organising parties, but can you help organise a romantic three week holiday? Even some tips would be nice.
Thanks in advance,
Mike, Manchester UK

Dear Mike,

Whoops! Looks like I forgot to read this letter for the duration of the 2004 fall/winter season.

I guess my main problem with your letter is that you wanted me to organize three weeks’ worth of stuff for you to do in a foreign country. I don’t have the first idea what I’m gonna do after I brush my teeth, let alone how to organise [?] a punting boat picnic outing along the banks of the Thames and then seventeen other things including rollerskating past the Jamie Oliver restaurant while JET plays on a loud PA system.

Wait! Here is how I can help other people learn by you. Maybe write in and tell us what you did for three weeks, in day-by-day detail, and I will process that information and present it real nicely in my next column! Just let me know how you would like to proceed. We could have some fun with this.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.