Advice Column for December 22, 2003

Welcome back! Listen, we had a bad problem with people writing way too long of questions this time. Some of the questions were seriously like over nine pages, which I am obviously never going to read. Try to keep things around one or two paragraphs and also have a distinct question in mind.

Thanks chochachos,
-=Ray=-

Where did you go?
Amber, Internet

Dear Amber,

I was just messin’ around. I spent a few weeks in Antibes, and also I went on this tour of different companies.

Hi Ray-
I'd appreciate a cat's perspective here... I have two female cats, Kelly and Madison (they're both single by the way!). I give them the amount of food that the vet recommended to me for their size, but they're always complaining that I don't feed them enough. I want them to be happy *and* healthy - should I feed them more and let them get fat, or put up with their bitching? (The only exercise they get is digging through my garbage at 3am)
Thanks, Jen

Dear Jen,

I think my first idea for you is that cats know how much they should eat, and it sounds like you’re not feeding them enough. Sure, there are noshes and other non-critical hunger pangs that come up in life, but if they’re always complaining, then it sounds like they need an adjustment in food quantity/frequency. Also, some cat foods are more highly filling/caloric than others, so that may be a concern. If you’re starving these girls to the point where they’re eating garbage then something is definitely wrong.

Thanks for mentioning that they’re single but they really don’t sound like my type.

I've heard that cats have such highly developed optic nerves that the presentation rate of TV and cinema is just too slow for them and that all they see is a series of flickering still images...can you still enjoy a night in front of the tube?
SquareEyes, Ireland

Dear SquareEyes,

Yeah, I don’t know about that. I’ve always been able to watch the tube just fine, and movies as well. I think what happened is that some ad agency got some “focus group” of cats together and just like always the focus group came up with some dumb fake information about how they can’t watch TV without “discomfort,” etc. It is pretty typical that when a focus group gets together they find some way to use the word “discomfort” and complain about something which is not actually a problem, like how quarters are too small, etc. I just watched an hour of Emeril Live (nut episode, extremely interesting) and everything was fine with my eyes. Also, I saw “Kurt & Courtney” recently and it was fine. (Except that now I am completely mad at Courtney Love!)

Take it easy.

I have a problem with my cats, Scrapper and Frankie. Scrapper has been my husband's companion for nearly eight years now, and he's getting a little older and on the sick side. We help him as much as we can, but he's kind of crotchety about things like medication and being old. Frankie is a cat we rescued before we got married - we found him on the side of the road, beat up pretty badly. We took him to the vet, had him cleaned up, and adopted him into our home. He started out happy living the fat life, but recently he's been beating the tar out of poor old Scrapper. Frankie's already made it clear that he's the king of the house - what more does he want? Scrapper's dentures?
JG, Marysville

Dear JG,

Whooh. This is one of those tough ones. You brought the transient cat Frankie into your house and now he’s acting like he wants to be left on the side of the road again. He’s trying to kill Scrapper (bad name, by the way) and he’s unable to show appreciation for all the things you’ve done for him. This is probably why he got his ass kicked and ditched in the first place.

You know how I often say, “you can’t polish a turd”? This is one of those situations. Put the dude back on the side of the road, preferably out in the countryside. Maybe hold him down a bit and let Scrapper give him some payback. Frankie’ll find a stream to drink out of, a minnow to nibble on and another luckless couple with a soft heart and a cozy apartment.

Ray Darling I don't know what to do! Basically I am an apprentice with strong sexual feelings for my mentor. I am nervous about letting him know what's going on in my head because I have paid him for his services and expect a job from him in the future. Also we meet in his place of work which is a bit inappropriate for any risky propositions. And he is a bit older than me, about 15 years or so. I'm not sure if he has a girlfriend, wife, or even a boyfriend. I've tried many clever tactics to get it out of him but he seems to display himself as single. The last time I tried this he had mentioned he was going to Hawaii. I asked with whom. He muttered, "a friend." A friend? That's vague. So I don't know what's going on or how I should go about this. All I do know is I don't want you to tell me to forget about it because I am intrigued with him, just as much as I am with you, Tiger. Meow!
Horny and Confused, Internet

Dear Horny and Confused,

Fun one! This dude is good at being evasive, and he’s obviously had interns before, because he’s used to dodging your probative personal questions with practiced answers. Basically he’s a very private person and is trying to keep his intimate life secret. That’s no dis to you.

He’s definitely gay, though, based on the Hawaii/friend/secret wedding thing, so you might as well quit tryin’ to slip him the old Sex Pocket. That probably bugs him!

There is a female friend of mine, and, for purposes of this letter, she will be referred to as Girl. I've known Girl since I was quite young, there's always been some mad sexual tension between us, even since we first met in 7th grade. We talked through highscool, but it was always at a "friend only" level. Now that we go to the same college, we see each other everyday. We've both talked about how we used to straight wanna bang one another when we were kids.

But see, the thing is, I can't stop thinking about her. Girl and I have both gotten out of semi-serious relationships, and now I think I wanna put the moves on her. What is the best way to put said moves on Girl?
The Man, Without the Plan.

Dear Man Without the Plan,

Let me recap here. You like a girl and she likes you. She wouldn’t have told you what she did if she didn’t still like you and want to get rutty. I mean, put yourself in her shoes: if you used to find a person attractive, but you no longer found them attractive, you wouldn’t tell them flirty stories about how you used to want to “film a pussy and dick fight scene” together. (whoah, WTF?! What am I saying?!!!)

(I’m sorry, I don’t even know what that meant!)

So, anyhow, you should attempt to kiss her next time you’re out together. As soon as you start kissin’, all the past emotions will begin to fuel your fire, and pretty soon your relationship will be at the next level. This could very well be fairly awesome.

My final thoughts for you are this: don’t screw this up. It should be pretty easy to get it right. It’s kind of a no-brainer. bye

Is there a God, and if so, should I pray to him/her/it?
Buddy, Reseda, CA

Dear Buddy,

This is probably the main question that advice columnists like me get asked. We even have an industry acronym for them: I-TAGs, or, “Is There a God”s. I am dealing with like seven I-TAGs a day right now. They’re piled up to the ceiling. I wish I could just come up with one real clear answer for all the I-TAGs I get, but usually I try to make up something new based on each individual circumstance.

Based on your very brief letter I would have to say that hey, if you capitalize “God” then you were obviously raised Christian and are having some doubts. I hate to break it to you, but there is no God and if you have some free pray-time, just pray that Burger King comes up with some Olestra fries to match their awesome new line of Santa Fe nonfat chicken sandwiches. Then it’s BK three meals a day for old grand-daddy Ray!

Nice to see you back giving advice to the masses. I have a serious issue to bring to your attention. The ladies love me, but the ladies are all college-aged while I'm a 15 year-old manchild. I finished puberty at 13, and now have a damn nice full beard. I am mistaken for 22 all the time (which is damn good for parties), but all the ladies see me as that age, and not my true age. Should I mack the college ladies and not disclose the truth about my age, tell them it all and see which ones still want me, or simply not deal with university honeys? The ethics of this are mind boggling.
Worried Manchild in PA

Dear Manchild,

First of all, I am legally obliged to advise you that if a male of your age (15) gets his cooker on with a lady, it’s legally considered a form of rape, even if the lady is like 45 and totally into it and even rents a limo, as often happened to me during an early part of my life. So, we’re kind of in tricky waters with the rest of my advice. I guess I would just say that if you are 15 and have a real full beard that you should make sure to use real good grooming products and exfoliate regularly, plus always shave with the grain, not against it. Good luck in the fight against razor burn.

Me and My friend have a mock-techno group called Cold Peter. Some refer to us at "The Pioneers of Gay Techno." Our music is completely inspired by you. Even the name: "Garfield, you COLD have a PETER in your mouth!" We make all of our songs in a program called Fruity Loops. [….]

Dear CP,

Alright, your letter was really long and I had to delete about five hundred lines or something (etc). What you were mainly asking was whether I would be interested in hearing some music that had an aggressively vivid homosexual message.

Of course I want to hear cutting edge music. I run a record label, dammit! Just send me some links or whatever—don’t couch your pitch in a fake email about needing advice. Have some dignity.

I live on a military base, which is a total sausagefest. I'm trying the online dating thing, and having some success which I attribute mainly to my Photoshop zit-removal skills (did you know that turning the contrast up and the brightness down makes ANY photo look better?) and ability to spell a lot of different words correctly. Anyway, I met a girl who I dated and totally loved to bone. It was maximum awesome, man. Tight as all getout. Yeah, so I thought she might've been messing around on me because she liked to play "touch the inner thigh" with some of my friends at parties. I got a friend to go undercover and take a trip to her house, and report back to me whether or not she made a move on him. She totally kissed him. Mouth going pretty good, hands in all the right places and stuff. So then I busted her like two minutes after I found out about it, totally broke up. Now I miss her, and wonder if maybe I jumped the gun. I think I didn't really give her a chance to be honest and tell me what she'd done, which is all I really wanted, a little honesty about it. Because of all the awesome boning that my life once again lacks, I miss her a lot. After a lot of emails and phone calls, she seems really REALLY honestly sorry about what she did, she said that she wanted to tell me, but 'couldn't get up the guts to do it right away' and said that she wishes we could get back together, probably because she misses the maximum awesome boning too.

Now, Ray, I've made mistakes myself. I've done things like that, and now I know what it is to lose someone special, what it is to lose a special sexy friend. I will never make mistakes like that again, and the consequences of my actions have truly and permanently changed my outlook on fooling around while I'm in a committed relationship. So, like, should I forgive her and be the paranoid, posessive boyfriend, or should I forgive her and take her apology to heart, and relax about it? Or maybe should I just have some dignity and look for a new chick? Do you think most people can really change like that, or is she just trying to scam me and lie some more?
Thanx Ray! You be's my hero, dawg.
~Nico in Nebraska

Dear Nico,

It’s emails like this that actually make me start to worry about our national security. I mean, you don’t think this girl is going to cheat on you again (she is), yet you are put in charge of defeating enemies? I can hear it now:

YOU: Is that pair of handcuffs too tight, Saddam Hussein?
S.H.: Is little too tight. Yes.
YOU: I will loosen them if you promise to hold my gun so that it doesn’t get stolen.
S.H.: Okay. Good.
YOU: You know, I still have feelings for you.

You are a cat of the world – my lady-friend and I are planning on travelling around America, starting in the California area: where can one find a quality cocktail bar to inaugurate our journey and get, as you would, mad rutty?
Big props, Simon

Dear Simon,

I guess you would probably be landing at San Francisco International airport, so you’ll only be about twenty minutes from my preferred bar. Take the sky tram to the Caltrain line, and then take Caltrain south to the California Avenue exit (Palo Alto). Walk down California Avenue for a couple blocks until you see Antonio’s Nut House on your left. Use the human entrance (street level - I'm told it exactly mirrors the Underground version). Antonio’s Nut House has this mechanical gorilla in a cage and the gorilla has a huge box of peanuts in front of him. You grab the peanuts and the gorilla hella screams because he sees you in his optical sensors. However, you are in no actual danger, as most of the machines in his body have broken down. I haven’t been scared of that gorilla for a long time.

Oh, and I don’t know what country you’re coming from, but in America you can’t get rutty in bars. If you want to get rutty you have to be in a private place where no one will see. I guess it’s a good thing you brought that up!

I have been accepted for two different graduate programmes next year, the Graduate Diploma of Teaching (Secondary) and the Master of Library and Information Studies. My family are not giving me much advice because they don't want to pressure me. Which do you think I should plump for?
E you later, Déesse

Dear Déesse,

It sounds like you want careers that are very similar to being at school. I understand that school is what you are used to, and that you might like school a lot, but you should try to get out into other parts of the world before just taking a seat at the other side of the desk. I mean really, you aren’t spreading your wings too much here, are you?

Sorry to insult your dreams.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.