Achewood

I'm 26 and married. We live in a small apartment that gets little light...it's cramped and dull. I work two jobs, and at night I like to get out. I feel claustrophobic in that tiny place, so I end up going to friends' houses and occasionally to a bar to hang with friends; of course I always invite my wife. She doesn't like going out as much, and gets annoyed with me. So I'm wondering if there's any magic answer to the going out issue...any cool one-on-one activities (besides the obvious ones) that will make the place more interesting, thus dispelling my wanderlust?
J in Atlanta

Dear J,

The problem sounds more complicated than what you state here. Your wife would like to go out if there were folks or activities she was interested in, but there ain’t so she stays at home and cooks up a single serving of Law and Order with a dessert of Masturbate Pie. A lot of women stay at home at night in order to masturbate to Ice T, this ain’t no kind of weird thing. Just let her stay at home and masturbate to fantasies of Ice T knocking on your apartment door all alone, just wearing his boxers and holding a bottle of Bacardi. Have a good time with your friends, let your woman masturbate to thoughts of Ice T. It’s nature’s way.

PS: Ice T’s character on the show is named Odafin Tutuola, if you want to work that into your pillow talk.

Aight, out, triple fingershaker.

I need a bit of entertainment advice. When I'm on the air I'm going for this quirky, yet sexy angle. It seems to work except I'm getting a handful of stalkers who want to take me out for pizza (along [with] pet names used such as cutie pie and honey bear). Don't these guys know how to treat a lady like a lady? What do you suggest I do? Thanks Ray, and remember, I got your back.
Sultry Radio Vixen, San Francisco.

Dear Sultry Vixen,

OK, I got to explain to my readers that I cut out the first long area of your letter where you describe how you are a DJ for Live 105 in San Francisco and how you and me got to spend more afternoons in the sack together. It is some hot heavy that you got a gig at Live 105...for those of you who don’t know, Live 105 plays alternative hits from the 70s, 80s and 90s, but they also spin the latest generation of alternative, you know, where a bunch of haircuts who are 20 play in a band that has the levels mixed essentially correctly and the lyrics are:

I’M A KID AND I’M KID KID YELLIN’
I’M KID KID YELLIN’
I’M A KID AND I’M KID KID YELLIN’
KID KID YELLIN’ AT YOU

So sometimes when Live 105 does “flashback lunch” or whatever, I can get meaty bones on old Iggy or also on an old Blondie track. But when they play Kid Kid Yellin’, I just feel like I have a big shit in my pants, and that Live 105 put the shit there with that type of tri-nozzle machine that fills up Twinkies. Do you feel me, Sultry Vixen?

Anyhow, on to your advice. As you get used to fame, you will learn not to communicate with your stalkers and never to acknowledge that you received their communications in the first place. That is the main thing. Also very important is that you send me current photos of yourself so that I can have my friends at Google remove similar photos from Google>Images. Wear something sexy in the photo so that we can remove particularly identifiable sexy photos of you. Furthermore, a lot of Internet stalkers are ass men, so make sure to show some ass so that we can eliminate the particular algorithms of your ass curves from the image database.

If there are any other photos you think we should have, please send them over and we’ll try to find time to take them into evidence. You literally can not be too careful at this stage in the game.

Maybe you can help me understand a couple of things about Todd: First of all, is he still in Hell? And secondly, why is it that he was able to read the Friendly's menu down there?
Thank you, Jeff, Connecticut

Dear Jeff,

No, Todd ain’t in hell anymore. He got out of there.

As to your second question: in hell, you can read. The Devil is in control there and he can just cause whatever abilities he wants.

Thanks for writing. Maybe you might want to start out with more of an easy comic such as Friend Land or Friend! next time.

Hey Ray, how come your friend Roast Beef always has that expressionless look on his face? Just curious!
Your pal, Tom

Dear Tom,

He doesn’t, you damn idiot! Did you get fucked in the eyes? Jesus did I get a lot of stupid questions this week. Maybe I got to put spackle all over my monitor to keep you retards out of my face all the time. JESUS the internet was not supposed to be this way

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.