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May 14, 2003

What Is With Tequila Shooters?!

Okay, so in my last column I mentioned sort of as an aside that the right way to do a tequila shooter is to slam the tequila shot, then lick the salt, then bite the lime wedge. Apparently some people think this is not the right way to do it. Man, at first I was all like “who cares, leave me alone” but then I thought maybe I could get five hundred words out of the subject and finish my column for the week, so I grabbed this old bottle of Cuervo I had lyin' around and brought out the limes and salt.

The first thing we got to do is figure out why exactly drinking tequila is so complicated that you would need so many outside ingredients. I mean, you can drink beer out of the bottle, and vodka out of the glass, but tequila needs this special fruit-and-gurney operation just to get it past your tastebuds. What's up with that?

I asked a friend of mine, Dr. Paul P. Davis of the Larhova General Medical Center, to help explain why exactly tequila requires so much ceremony to be enjoyed properly.

At least, I thought Dr. Davis was a friend of mine. He seemed all chummy when I went in there for a bunch of ingrown toenails last summer, but when I called him on the phone just now he totally blew me off! I guess some people just tend to forget who butters their bread. I had even sent the dude the rest of this bottle of Grey Goose that I really liked!

Well anyway, I need to have at least some factual information in this column, so I guess I will look on that “Google” for why people need all the salt and limes when they're drinking tequila.

Okay, so I looked on Google using search terms of “salt, tequila, limes, why, shooter, reason, help” and all I got was like this real messed-up story about a guy who wanted to lick his own mom's nipples. Is that all that's out there? Should I just give up on the Internet now? It seems like every time I try to use the Internet it's all just this garbage, about a weird sex pervert who has dirty ideas he wishes to express. This is why I don't have an e-mail. I had an e-mail briefly in the late 90's, you know, all being into the new technology, but I immediately got like seven unwanted letters from someone I did not know named “DJ Pubes.” I quickly realized that e-mail is is pretty much just a whole bunch of garbage, and that people like “DJ Pubes” were actually probably just computer robots designed to sell fake porno passwords that never even work.

Well, at this point I'm pretty far into this Ketel One that I poured myself and I'm not really interested in exploring that whole tequila thing anymore. I mean, tequila is pretty bad business to begin with! Maybe I shouldn't even be exposing everyone to the idea of it. Tequila should basically never be drunk unless (a) you are a young college lady who is trying to shed her inhibitions and become a new person who completely likes crazy sex and then barfing before the sex is over, or (b) you are a young dude who wants to get so plastered that he summons a 12” Pullman Sleeper into his underwear in the middle of the night. Try explaining that one at the laundromat!

So basically I am saying that you should not drink tequila unless you are really looking to get crazy and make a mess of things. That is mainly what it is for. For those of you still looking for whether the salt or lime should come first, I hope you realize by now that no matter what order you put it in, it's all just doing its job as long as you don't taste the Cuervo.

Until then, Gentlemen,