My Advice Column for August 23, 2004

Internet Friends,

Daaaaaamn, you Canadians are serious about your salmon! After last time’s letter where we debated whether salmon are fresh- or saltwater fish, over 65 Canadians wrote in, explaining the whole thing, with identical facts. Basically, salmons are born in fresh water, migrate to salt water, then return to fresh water to spawn and bite the dust. They are what’s known as androtomous. That means they ain’t either fresh or salt water fish, but both!

Thank you to everyone who wrote in. It seems this case is closed. Salmon got the dual citizenship, all.

-=RAY=-

PS still catching up on old advice. Check me later.

I'm a pretty young guy (21) interested in meeting girls about the same age. My problem is that most of the girls I see around are pretty uninteresting in personality, intellect, or both. I'm kind of an intellectual guy, I read a lot and like to have actual discussions about topics, but I'm not really much for small talk. I know girls my age that are kind of the same way have to exist somewhere, but I really don't know where to find them. I've considered going to bars, clubs, coffeeshops, etc to try and meet people, but I'm also figuring it doesn't make a lot of sense for me to go looking for somebody like me in a place I wouldn't normally go. Any ideas?
-Too old for my age, Portland, OR

Dear Portland,

I want you to know that I studied your problem, and I wrote a poem about it. I hope you find it helpful, and also I hope that it rhymes.

To Portland.

You are a guy
You are a secret key that cannot find a lock
Most locks have not read Hesse.

A lot of ladies have not read Siddhartha
Because they are sluts.
You have read Siddhartha.

You have read Siddhartha,
And you want ladies to know this.
They spread their mental legs as you name the books you have read.

-RS

I was wondering if you could help me figure out the name for my radio show next semester. It is just two hours long once a week, but it is also Very Important. The demographic is quite small and primarily female, as we broadcast ten watts in the vertical and horizontal planes out of Wellesley College.
J.S, Internet

Dear J.S.,

Hm. If you have a tiny little radio show that just broadcasts to a small group of women then I would recommend calling the radio show Little Women. That is a book that I once almost read, from the school library. It was kind of green and brick shaped. Maybe this helps? Tiny little props, ladies.

I remember reading one of your strips from a long time ago where you were discussing the pain of your hemorrhoids and how it compared to the feeling of a bee stinging you on your gentleness. I showed it to my man and he thought it was so great that he even changed that to his computer wallpaper. This made me realize how hard it must be to endure such irritation so i told him to start soaking in epsom salt baths. I even read to him while he sat in there sometimes and we sipped on drinks quite often. I tried to turn it into an enjoyable time. I know this might not sound like the most romantic of experiences but his area did clear up rather quickly.

Maybe you already know the epsom salt trick but i want you to know that I am always here for you and would be more than willing to tend to your ailments at anytime. I think you are one sexy cat.
Lomie.

Dear Lomie,

Look, I don’t have hemorrhoids, I just acted like I had hemorrhoids because that is what Chris said to do. Actors ain’t the same people off-camera as they are on-camera, you know. Jeremy Irons is really funny and stupid, Meg Ryan is a Wiccan, and David Schwimmer is actually in a wheelchair. Has been since that car crash scene at the end of Breast Men went wrong in ’96. He acts on Friends via the help of wires, computer imagery, and special jeans.

I'm in the process of starting a rock and roll band, and i want a real killer name. Something that will strike fear in the hearts of mere mortals, but won't scare off the girls. Any suggestions?
Anonymous, Internet

Dear Anonymous,

How about The Trouble People? (© 2001-2004 Ray Smuckles, not to be used without permission)

Hint letter to “Rosie”: please try to keep it under seven pages when describing your problem. My readers don’t have all decade. Have you heard of the single paragraph?

In a previous edition of your Advice Column, you mentioned that cheap booze risks damaging one's optic nerves. Is this true? I am an ex-college student with a meager income, and I don't want to damage my eyesight with cheap vodka.
Concerned Jersey Girl

Dear Jersey Girl,

Oh, I got to tell you. Yes, for sure it does. A few times back I mentioned this old wino Punch Man who I drank with in my early days. Dude would drink Listerine, would drink vinegar, would drink Antifreeze, just whatever. Pour it down the throat and let God decide, you know. Scary. I ran with him about a year and I could tell his vision was always gettin’ worse by the way he stopped saying “gimme me one ‘a them Pabst Ice” and instead would say things like “gimme me one ‘a them...that...yeah, that looks good.” It was sad, you know. Towards the end I would call out his name so he could recognize my voice and not start throwing bricks and bottles toward the sound of my footsteps. I hope this does not happen to you.

I would like to respond to your last column portion about names for a lady's genitalia. I'm sorry if you take offense to this, Ray, but I find that calling it a 'kitty' in sexual company and 'my center of gravity' in polite company works just fine.

I think 'kitty' works quite well on a private level, because it can imply naughtiness, sexiness, and cuteness at the same time - while also implying a small size at the same time (no lady I know likes to be told she has a gaping vaginal area, even if it's the truth). It's a polite word, it's a fun word, it's good for all.
Thanks, Classy Lady Apprentice

Dear CLA,

Thanks for writing in, I think “kitty” is a good suggestion. I take your point about ladies not wanting to feel like their junk is really huge, I hear that a lot in my line of business.

So, fellows! See how “kitty” works for you in your next situation when you’re called upon to refer to the old pressure-bell. It sounds good to me, and I think it’ll be really appreciated. Big Ups, CLA!

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.