Achewood

Recently I paid a visit to my cousin's house, and noticed that his dog, Butch, was in terrible shape. For a while now he's been somewhat blind and has lost his sense of direction, which causes [him] to walk backwards and run into things. Now he has to take medication if he falls down, or if he freaks out and barks and scratches walls. Yet my aunt says Butch is "just fine", and continues to believe that [he] will live forever, while she dresses him in embarrassing bandanas and he continues to walk backwards. Any advice?
J.E, Rehoboth, MA

Dear J.E.,

Hm. A blind dog in a bandana who is walking backwards. This does not sound good. I mean, if the human lady's dad (your grandfather?) had like Alzheimer's and he was all in a bandana and walking backwards, they would probably try to do something about that. You might want to hang a little sign around the dog's neck that says, "What If This Was Dad?"

Just a thought. I hope this information helped you.

I want to do something for my boyfriend cause he`s always so good to me. Should I make him a nice dinner or just show up naked at his apartment. Please give a girl som[e] advice.
Love M

Dear M.,

You seem to have good intentions. I am a little turned off by your bad grammar, though, so I am wondering about your other qualities. Are you a good cook, or would you just make like spaghetti on a plate and then put some microwaved sauce on top? If you showed up naked, are you sort of bad-looking? Would he be mad? (I am picturing kind of a gut on you, no offense.)

Send me a photo and I will decide for you and maybe provide recipes.

Last year this girl and I got together and I liked her a lot but as it turned out she played me real bad. Well recently she and I have been talking again and now she's telling me that she likes me and all. She's telling the truth this time too. She's a neat girl, but my question is should I try and hook up with her or should I play her back hard just to get even? Both options sound good to me. And I'm not lying, this really happened to me.
-R.D., Houston TX

Dear R.D.,

This actually happened?! No Way. Dude, I would not believe that this happened in a million years. I cannot believe a story like this. How could it be that these events could occur?! Man, this is EARTH, not some kind of "Crazy-Dimension X-12"!

Fuck you.

I'm an 18 year old male from Buffalo New York. I have never had any friends growing up, let alone a girlfriend and I find it pretty hard to meet people. I'm a pretty nice person, and easy to get along with, so what's the deal? Maybe I don't know how to talk to folks or maybe I gotta wait until I can go to bars and clubs and such.
Lonely Outcast, Buffalo, NY

Dear L.O.,

I guess I think it's kind of strange that you've never had any friends. Maybe you should tell ME what the deal is? The only person I ever knew who had no friends was this guy named Gabe who always had tiny pieces of that yellow "egg crate" foam in his hair. He also had pretty bad buck teeth. People did not want to be friends with him because he seemed unappealing.

This is weird. It's like, if you have no friends, then who can you ask what is wrong? Maybe next time you write in you could give us all more details about what's weird with you. Hope this helps.

I was just wondering how you would advise someone to go about making tuna tartare.
Max with Issues.

Dear Max,

As you will recall from the strip, I'm not actually that good with Tuna Tartare. Téodor is the one to ask. I rang him on my cell, and he was recording some music in his room at the time, but he did volunteer that kind of a spicy bottled Vietnamese chili sauce like you see on Spicy Tuna Rolls will often wake up raw tuna. He also mentioned throwing in some toasted sesame seeds. Heck, I guess that makes me kind of an expert now, too! I guess I would also add to serve it on chilled plates with toast points, a raw quail egg yolk and toasted pine nuts. Mix everything but the toast together at table and you will have a damn fine dish in front of you. Sprinkle with finely minced chives.

I need some space but my girlfriend comes over to my apartment every day. I told her I need my privacy, and she said okay, but she hasn't changed her habits. We've been through a lot so I want to be gentle; how can I get some breathing room without hurting her feelings?
-T.S., Oklahoma

Dear T.S.,

It sounds like you need to break up. Show some long choad, brother.

Man, It's not even halfway through the month and my paycheck is already gone. Friday night is approaching and I wanna get all loaded up but I don't have the dough. How can a smart guy get boozed on the cheap?
Sober in SF

Dear S.F.,

Here is one thought I had: are you one of those guys who insists on like Grey Goose in their screwdriver, and Jack Daniels in their whiskey and Coke? Top shelf liquors are only for drinking neat or solo on the rocks. I know that when a lot of younger dudes get started in the bar scene they try to go all fancy all the time, thinking this makes them look sophisticated. All it basically does is make them look like a guy who just paid nine dollars for two ounces of vodka, which no one who wears a name tag on weekdays can afford to do.

Have you tried just ordering a soda and emptying a flask into it? That is another trick from my 'banger days.

Why are you such a dick to Little Nephew?
J.M., Virginia

Dear J.M.,

I guess you've never been an uncle! It's a whole different mind game. Most of what I do is based on psychology, and many prominent child-rearing experts have written me letters about my techniques.

I have to go to the dentist to have some fillings done very soon. I have been putting this off for ages because I hate the dentist. The dentist is, quite possibly, my greatest fear. I hate all dentists. I'm sure there are very nice ones out there [etc]. All I can think about is sitting in a chair for hours experiencing physical pain and [etc]. Please help me overcome my ridiculous, childish [etc].
"Anti-dentite," Internet

Dear A.D.,

Many are afraid of the dentist because of a bad childhood experience, such as incredible pain and huge ugly braces and stuff. Now that you are older (I assume you're "older," by now at least, because it took me nine years to read and edit your letter) you should be able to use your mind to get past simple instinctive reactions. Thanks, and hope your checkup goes well. The teeth are truly a great part of the body.

There is a girl I really like, she is extremely fine, but not very intellignet. Taking this into account, I was wondering; is there some way to trick a girl into falling in love with you?
-N.S. Wisconsin

Dear N.S.,

You sound perfect for each other. I don't have time for this.

I enjoy my drinking, and have a great time. But the morning after I always have bad farts. But it ain't just that, the farts tend to come with a little, uh, "extra credit." I can't keep throwing out my chonies, they're too fancy for that. You gotta know something I can do ray.
-Pants Chili, CA

That's disgusting! Don't tell me about that.

Please settle an argument that my friend and I are having. Which is the skankiest hard liquor: rum or vodka?
No Name, No Address

The skank level is based on sugar content. Rum is obviously more skanky than vodka, but depending on what mixer you use one can out-skank the other. The least skanky drink is a Ketel One martini (proven lowest glucose content), and the most skanky drink is a Godiva sour. Lagers are less skanky than ales, white wines more skanky than reds. Hope this helps in whatever it is you are doing.

I am a vodka martini man. No gin, just vodka. The problem is I like them dry and neat. For some reason, though, this doesn't seem to impress the classy ladies. Is there basically a way to make a martini look smooth without resorting to olives and wimpy juices?
-P.S., Colorado

Dear P.S.,

Man, the glass and the garnish are the only things that make a martini look smooth. Just remember, Mr. Clean Plate Club, you don't have to eat every olive they put in front of you.

* A Gentle Reminder ("Disclaimer"): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history.