Advice Column for September 2, 2003

Editor’s Note: Ray briefly stopped back by the house this weekend to grab some Ketel One, and spent a little time answering a handful of your letters. He expects to be back in full swing next week, but makes no promises. —CTO

Got a question? Need an answer? Ask Ray! (ray at achewood dot com)

Some letters are edited for clarity and grammar and also to remove awful “jokes” where the writer thought he/she was the one who was supposed to be entertaining.

Last week (08/26/03) you responded to a writer in regards to appropriate reading material for the commode. I have always been a toilet reader and my son has recently reached the age where he has picked up the habit as well. My wife, on the other hand, does not understand the practice at all. Is there a genetic component to women not reading on the pot, or is it a social thing? I only know a very few other women I could ask this type of question of, and the unanimous answer was no to commode literature. Any ideas how come?
A., Orange County, CA

Dear A.,

Yeah, I’ve noticed that too. Women just don’t seem to want to linger on the can. I guess we dudes really get into it because our prostate gland (yes, we cats have them too) gets all massaged while extrudin’ #2, and it’s kind of a good time, so we like to enhance it with magazines and walkmen and Ruffles and stuff. It’s kind of like a little one-man party when a guy takes a shit.

I have a brand new 1988 Honda CR-X Si that I need to slicken up to impress people, but I don't much go in for the spoilers or white transparent decals of my car name but larger. I would like some tips on how to make my ride more rad.
Julie, Internet

Dear Julie,

I think I know what you are saying. You want to trick out your small reasonable car but not in the regular way that the “rice rocket” guys do, all with anodized caps on their Enki rims and clear tail lights which should actually be red. You have a car and you would like to be proud of it, because it is a major possession and shows the outside world what and who you are.

Like a lot of healers will tell you, the most important changes come from within. Upgrade your sound system with some mega-nasty 9” Alpine ovals and 4” door cones – that should be enough response to fill your particular vehicle. After you do that, have the entire interior detailed, and I mean detailed. I’m talkin’ about guys Armor-Allin’ even the bottom surfaces of your A/C grates, and Windexing your odometer pane. You’ll be surprised at how good a freshly detailed car can make you feel.

After you have got the interior all kicked and crunked, have the body detailed. One of the greatest details is the tires. Shiny Armor-Alled rubber is one thing, but going the extra mile and removing brake dust from the rims is the whole game. You see, every time you hit the brakes your brake pads release dust, much like a pencil eraser when you erase a mistake which you made. This dust collects on your silver rims and looks hella low-class.

I guess basically I’m just telling you to clean your car and put some speakers in it. Maybe if you wanted to go the extra mile you’d just accentuate it a little bit with a decal of Calvin peeing onto an icon which represents a concept that you do not enjoy. Pat has one of Calvin peeing onto Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Samoza.

My best friend married a woman he met on the Internet about four years ago. I can't say I was as charmed by her as he was, but I kept my reservations to myself. When he asked me to be the best man in his wedding, I sucked it up and did my duty as his friend. These days, I seldom see him, as his wife has become a morbidly obese shut-in. A mutual friend had this couple over to his house back in July, only to learn that this was the first time my best friend's wife had been out of the house since January. I'm not a doctor, but that doesn't sound healthy to me. I had a dream a couple weeks ago about my best friend, and in this dream he told me he was leaving his wife. My dream self nearly jumped for joy, thinking that this friend could now move on and find someone to actually build a life with, instead of just bleeding out his soul one drop at a time. When I woke, I remembered that as his "best man" I had stood up for his union and given it my blessing, and so I feel kind of guilty for thinking he should drop her like baggage and run. So should I keep my silly dreams to myself, or take this as a cue that my friend is in trouble and needs someone with a little more sack to clarify things for him.
Not Really That Desperate At All, in New York

Dear Not Desperate,

By being his best man you did not endorse their marriage, you simply did your duty as a friend, just as you said. And now your duty as a friend is to let them live their own lives, gross as they may be. I guess what we can all take away from this is the point I made last week: Internet romances always involve betrayal and obesity.

My cat likes to pee in her water dish and she plays in her litter box. I've tried switching their places, so she pees in the litter box, but she still pees in her water dish. Any advice?
Yellow Water

Dear Yellow,

Gosh, this is hard. I’ve never been in this situation before...I guess I knew this day would come, though, what with me bein’ in the advice game and all.

Yellow, your cat is mentally retarded. She can live a normal, long life, but she is retarded. Try to keep her away from other cats, so that they don’t taunt her and throw mud at her face and then make her eat the mud, all in her pink overalls and white turtleneck. Our species can be quite cruel to the weaker members of the fold—that’s just our primal survival instinct. I’m sorry to have to break this to you.

What's up with women in their 30s? Either they want to settle down, like, tomorrow, or they don't really want anything at all. Meanwhile, all the girls in their 20s all want to seem to get down with Grand-dad. Do I really have to wait another 10 years and settle for some girlie young enough to be my daughter?
Not too hot, not too cold

Dear Hot/Cold,

This is strange: you are saying that women who are in their twenties like to get it on with old men? I don’t know what type of websites you subscribe to, but that is not at all factual. Most of the time on those websites where the young girl gets with like an old accountant or something, she is being paid, much as a prostitute is paid. In reality, girls in their twenties are just looking for a guy who is emotionally the same age as them, and sometimes this means they connect which guys who are a few chronological years older, because dudes mature at a more mellowed-out rate.

As far as women in their thirties go, they are being hormonally and socially driven to start families. You could probably have figured that out on your own. If a woman in her thirties doesn’t want to settle down with you, it’s because you’re 21 and you work at a pants store.

I have a Persian cat that spent the better part of his first year in a cage because the damn breeder we got him from had ringworm infestation that was inevitably passed to both the dog, myself, and my fiancé. We finally cured it and he's out. He's very sweet and follows me everywhere, but he has this strange habit. Other than participating regularly in activities that would surely result in his demise (i.e. jumping into the fridge, oven), he will also occasionally fly in to a berserker rage, becoming a whirlwind of claws and teeth aimed at any fingers or toes getting near him. Is this playing, or is he manifesting signs of gradual insanity? He also licks my hand a lot, in a most determined fashion, which is a behavior I have never witnessed in a cat before. Is he okay or did his extended lock-up wreak havoc on his psyche?
J in ATL

Dear J.,

Whew, lots of weird cat behavior cropping up this week. I wish I was formally prepared to analyze information like this and deliver helpful, safe answers. What I can tell you, though, is that Persians are always kind of on the brink as it is, and this poor fellow seems to have gone over the edge after a year in Solitary.

You know how if you start with good ingredients, you can make a good dinner? Well, this cat started with bad ingredients and is now a Bad Dinner. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was his name.

Dear Readers: another gun letter! This one addresses last week’s letters about machine guns.

Okay Ray, I think I've got it figured out. To refresh your memory, here is the basic chronology of events:

August 12, 2003: Original Gun Guy writes this: "the M-4, standard armament for the US Army and US Marines, uses 5.56mm" in a response to you correctly guessing the correct caliber of Bruce Willis' pistol in Die Hard.

August 19, 2003: Responding to the Original Gun Guy's information, EPM writes in this: "Also, the 'Original Gun Guy' is wrong: the US Army uses the M16"

August 26, 2003: Both “Gun Happy” and “T., Internet” tell us that EPM is wrong.

Now more than one person is wrong here. Original Gun Guy is indeed wrong that the *U.S. Marines* use the M-4, which is what I think EPM was trying to say. However he said *Army* instead of *Marines*, so that's why everyone jumped on his ass. Basically, the Marines use the M-16, and I dunno about the Army, 'cause I wasn't in that one. Hope this clears things up for everyone.
Drunk Bartender, Vegas

I have a middle-aged cat named Princess. She is jet black, athletic and has wild green eyes. She likes to be chased and spends most of her time drinking water out of a little fountain we have. She has far more energy than she can handle and needs some company, if you know what I mean. I figured that you, being the ladies’ cat that you are, might hit it off with her. I'm hoping that a little Ray-style loving will calm her down. If you’re interested I can send you a picture.
Guy with a lonely cat, Ontario

Dear Ontario,

Thank you for the offer. I’ve got to tell you, though, it’s a little weird for me to just get offered free pussy like that. I’m not, like, Damon Wayans or anything. Maybe give her my e-mail and we can chat or something, although I really do prefer when a relationship starts out "off-line" (see my previous answers about Internet romances etc).

Dear Ray,

This letter is a big "fuck you" from all the Scottish Folds of the world.
Love, Linnea & Milan

Dear Linnea,

Don’t you mean “fwuck wou?” Ha ha! That’s the first thing that came to mind. See you bitches later.

About four years ago I met this wonderful girl and fell completely in love. As far as I was concerned she was perfect in every way. We dated for a very short period of time and I ended it because I wasn't happy with who I was. I looked at myself in the mirror and judged that I wasn't good enough for her. I've hated that decision ever since. Now, four years later, she is back in my life. We hang out on the weekends and generally have a good time. In the time we have been apart I've gotten my life on track and finally know where I am going in my life. My problem is that I still maintain the same feelings for her that I had in high school. I've played the part of "the sensitive listening guy" since we started hanging out again and I'm pretty confident that she is still in love with me. We now live an hour apart and she will be going to Australia for six months in the spring. How do I let her know how I feel about her without pressuring her to make a decision about where our relationship stands? Is it unrealistic to tell a woman you love her and not expect it to change things too much?
A., Barstow, Ca

Dear Barstow,

Bring on the strong sack, dude. Tell her how you feel and what you want and see where the chips fall. Your future’s up to you, and women like decisive men.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.