May 21, 2003
 

I Have Just Had Italian Food

Whew! Man, do I got a weakness for that veal saltimbocca. For those of you who aren't in the know on this delicious dish, it is a real flat-pounded piece of veal, with some kind of thick-cut prosciutto laid on top, all sauteed up together with this delicious salty brown sauce. Damn, man, and this place in the Underground serves it with these hella browned-up red potatoes...every time I go there I just come home feelin' like a big fat fool. I get so excited by eatin' the saltimbocca that I even eat like six pieces of the bread, all with both olive oil and vinegar and some salt! Damn!

So I guess what I'm saying is that I over ate and I am not sure I can do a column this week. Maybe if I go and get some scotch to sneak through it, maybe that will wake me up.

Okay so I found this bottle of Blue Label way at the back of the liquor cabinet, with a pretty good amount left in it. I don't usually dig too much on scotch, as I find it gives me a pretty bad hangover. But what the hell, you only live once, and all that Italian food in my belly is gonna have me down for the count if I don't take some measures.

I added some ice so that it would seem more decent. It's not bad! Got kind of a sweet nose to it.

Hold on...damn, someone is brewin' coffee! I'm gonna go get a mug of that and add the scotch to it, like Irish Coffee. Hey, did I just invent Scottish Coffee?! ?!?

It was Roast Beef. Sometimes he will just drink a whole mess of coffee and sit with his computer for hours, completely concentrating on his ideas about computer code. So anyway, I sat and had a cup with him and now I'm back, all with my Blue Label and steamin' hot mug of Joe. This is smellin' so good, I just might write my best column ever tonight!

Whew! I just had a blast of that coffee/Blue Label combo and I tell you, that is some kinda rocket fuel. What I said before about how this is gonna be one of my longest, best columns ever - that's definitely true!

So what was I talkin' about? Oh yeah! I had too much Italian food, like I always do. But that ain't no kind of discussion topic. It's not like people can debate whether I had too much Italian food. It is a stone cold fact. I don't see a lot of new ground bein' broken there.

Shit, what do people like to talk about? Drugs? Crime? Sex? Yeah, I guess all those things. I am against Crime, sure, but not in an interesting way. I just don't want to get all robbed by some man at the door. Maybe I should start carryin' a weapon. I've thought about it before. I'm sure everybody has. Mace, gun under the car seat, chef's knife hidden in a part of the wall that is the same color as the rest of the wall but is actually just a thin paper panel that you can punch through in an emergency...we all get these moments of paranoia and start gettin' wild ideas about personal protection. Maybe that is my topic.

I think there are like a hundred armed robberies a day at private homes in America. Imagine investing all that money into building your house, all with the carpet and swimming pool and such, and yet any old fool can just walk up and stick a knife in your face and take it all away! It seems to me like people should be more aggro about trickin' out their house, you know, with like a button that starts a secret lawn sprinkler system that just shoots acid, or an exploding front door that kills whoever is on the front porch. Or how about a little door peephole that sizzles out the eyes? Awesome!

Oh man this Blue Label coffee drink is really messing me up! And I don't mean in that fun way where I dabble at the piano or go jump in the pool. I mean I feel all nervous and sick and pretty unhappy, and like that feeling is growing so quickly that it's gonna get to be too much for me soon.

Okay...ugh...as I was saying, every homeowner should be able to kill burglars with some fun Macgyver-style weapons. I wish I had thought of this idea a few days ago so I could go to the Home Depot and do some actual research. As it is, I'm just sittin' here feelin' completely turned around from this damn screwy drink I thought was gonna save me.

...

Shit, this just isn't happening. I'm just gonna make a list of home-made anti-burglar weapons that I will research for my next column and then I'm probably just gonna go lay in bed.

Ray's list (for next week)

1. sprinkler system which sprays acid (I already mentioned this one)

2. exploding front door (I already mentioned this one also)

3. wear a priest outfit to the door; often times an Italian criminal will not mess with a priest

4. get one of those little chains which just allows the door to open a few inches

5. electrified doorknob - this should be pretty easy - could work off a car battery

6. exploding doorknob (instead of the whole door)

7. I bet there is something awesome you could do with one of those pressurized paint sprayers and a movement-sensitive floodlight

Oh, god. I got to take, fellows. I think I'm gonna die.

until then gentlemen
Ray