Advice Column for August 26, 2003

Editor’s Note: Ray is in the year 1882 this week. He did not have the chance to answer many of your letters before he left, and we do not know when he’ll be back, but here is the handful of completed replies I found on his Powerbook. —CTO

Book Corner: Ray’s Book Corner is permanently canceled. —CTO

Got a question? Need an answer? Ask Ray! (ray at achewood dot com)

Some letters are edited for clarity and grammar.

Dear Readers: This is a response to my advice for Confused in Iowa, who last week wrote in to ask if she should tell a girl that her boyfriend was cheating on her.

Ray, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...you are a player hater. I can understand your advice if she was your friend, but dude, ever hear of "Bro's before Ho's"? So the guy has a few baby dolls on his jock, he's not married right? As long as the guy wraps that rascal, let the player play. You're an Alpha cat that rolls around with shades, chains, wearing a freakin' banana hammock, and you gotta problem with multiple partners?!?! Save it man. Tell me why I'm wrong dude, please..
L, Vail

Dear Ghost of Eazy-E,

It is not okay to cheat on someone with whom you share the understanding that you are exclusive sex partners. That was their situation: the girl was led to believe that she was in a monogamous relationship when in fact she was not. If you want to sit around in your hot tub (bath tub) with all your gold chains (macaroni necklace) and stable of ho’s (St. Pauli Girl beer coaster), then fine, live that way. It doesn’t sound very appealing to me.

I'm one of those people that doesn't really dig on the whole dance club scene. That said, I'm not one of those people who will turn up an opportunity to get sauced and look at pretty little ladies dressed to the nines. Last time my friends suggested going to one of these places I accepted and wound up on the dance floor with a tank full of gas (booze). It came out that I am a pretty good dancer, a fact that I was already aware of and I wound up dancing with a couple of nice ladies.

Thing is, I was really digging just completely cutting a rug on my own. The whole rubbing genitals together with a girl I don't care about element kind of killed the vibe. Is there any way a guy can John Travolta it on the dance floor and not come off as a queer snob? I really don't want to give anybody the idea that I will be buying them drinks or inviting them back to the alley for a cheap thrill on an ordinary Friday night. Does it defeat the whole go there/get tanked/try to get laid order of things? Is my lack of interest in casual sex going to make my friends want to stop hanging with me?
Guilty Rocker, Ontario, Canada

Dear Guilty,

Heh heh! Man, I am totally [completely] laughing at you. You went to a dance club and danced your pants off, and yet you are all bugged that ladies were interested in you! That’s like going to a trout farm and then yelling at the manager when you catch one, or like having a sandwich cart on the street, and being disgusted when people try to buy sandwiches from you, and flipping them off! Dude, do you have no idea what the only purpose of club dancing is? Club dancing is stone cold mimicry of the sex act. I thought everybody knew this.

You’re like a librarian
Who won’t check out the books
You are like a chef who won’t
Give people what he cooks.

You mention finding books by the toilet at Téodor's place all the time. How long do you consider too long to sit on the toilet and self-educate?
M, Cap City

Dear M.,

This is actually a pretty good question. I tend to work off of the Big Chill line that “the average shit should last about as long as a People Magazine article.” Celebrity rags like that are pretty good timers. If you get into something like a New Yorker article, you’re definitely going to have one or both legs fall asleep. Then when you try to stand up you’ll fall on your side and “pinwheel” around on the floor, kicking painfully, trying to regain circulation. This usually happens to Roast Beef, because he is so intellectual.

Dear Readers: TWO gun guys wrote in this week! They’re writing about machine guns this time, instead of pistols.

This is in response to EPM, who said that the US Army uses the M-16 as a standard armament: actually, no, all combat-ready divisions in active war zones are issued M-4s. The M-16 is still used for training and reserve forces, but the odds of them seeing actual combat are pretty slim. Once in a great while, someone will request an M-16 for use in combat, but not very often. The reason we haven't gotten rid of all our old M-16s and replaced them is cause it's just too damn expensive. It would cost a fortune to replace every weapon, and there's no real reason to because, like I said, not very many of them would see combat anyways. We can equip the best of the best soldiers with the best of the best weapons, no problem, but giving every piece of trailer trash who walks into the recruitment office top of the line weapons and equipment? It's not that simple.
Gun Happy

and

In response to the man who wrote in saying gun guy was wrong and that the U.S. Army uses the M-16. He is wrong, I am in the army, and while some units still have the longer M-16, all infantry units are switching to the M-4 Carbine. Infantrymen are already carrying the M-4, with heavier and less deployed units being updated currently. Not sure where he got his information, but it is definitely dated.
T., Internet

My wife and I have been together for four years now, and we share our dwelling with two felines. One is a rather old fellow of about 15 years, named Tigger. The wife and Tigger have been together since he was a kitten, and are very close. My problem is that no matter what I do, the old man disdains my very presence in the house, gives me dirty looks and howls in my general direction. In addition, he has the habit of turning his posterior in my direction whenever I inject myself into the space he is sharing with the wife.

I am respectful of him and treat him fairly, even offering him his favorite treat, cod liver oil! How can I get the old man to give me a fair shake?
New to the Group, Atlanta

Dear Atlanta,

Yeah, I feel you. It’s the same as with people, though: some guys are just assholes. Your wife’s cat is an asshole.

He probably laughs at you when you give him his “treat.” He knows you’re trying to get in his good graces, and to him that looks pitiful and weak. One pretty good trick is to just kick him whenever you feel like it. He’ll get the idea that you like to kick him, and he’ll cool out on his asshole behavior. Assholes can only grow to respect other assholes.

Good luck.

When spooning with my lady on the beach or at home on the couch, I often find myself sporting an erection. We are physically comfortable with each other, but sex is not yet on the radar screen. I don't think she's quite ready to have me pressing the old bone against her back/butt/thighs. She'd probably be okay with it if it happens once or twice, but the guy down there just can't be controlled; this is a constant thing. When lying down, I can angle the hips away enough so as not to poke her, but when she sits on my lap or lies with her head there...well, let's just say I hope there's a pillow handy. Do you have any suggestions for controlling this or ways to talk to her about it?
”Call Me Woody"

Dear Woody,

It’s funny how you say that sex is not yet on the radar screen, when in actuality my screen is completely fogged over with my hot horny breath after reading your letter.

Just kidding! I thought it would be funny if I acted like I got all turned on by reading about some kid getting wood. Kind of like a “shock” thing. Anyhow, I have no advice on this subject.

What are your feelings on meeting girls on the internet? I've had some really amazing experiences, some really horrible experiences, and some just plain embarrassing ones, mostly from girls met on www.makeoutclub.com. What do you think? Is it a totally respectable way to meet folks or a little bit pathetic? Any tips? I've seen Téodor and Vlad at it, but they are not quite the role models I consider you to be.
BF in Madison

Dear BF,

Yeah, it’s lame. Usually the woman will just choose a photo that really flatters her, and you can’t see that she has like a dumb little ankle tattoo of a rose, plus an aluminum cane, the kind with four little feet of its own. Then when you meet there’s this awkward mutual feeling that you’re both fatter than you said you’d be.

I noticed a few columns back you 'helped' (heh) out a guy with a girlfriend who wanted him to be 'goth' Well, my situation is reversed...I'm a goth with a 'normal' boyfriend. I keep hoping he'll show more interest in the music I like, as I've gone to concerts he enjoys, excruciating as they may be (Limp Bizkit....ugh), but he still refuses to even give it a chance. The one time he agreed to go to a club with me, he ended up saying everyone looked fruity and then wouldn't even dance with me. Ray, I love him so much, but I just don't know if it can work. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Unappreciated Darkling

Dear Darkling,

It does not sound like you two are ready for each other. You are both still growing up and pretending to be vampires and Fred Durst and stuff. When you both settle down more a middleground may develop, such as Insane Clown Posse. Good luck.

What breed of cat are you? We're betting on Scottish Fold, because of your ear shape. I'm looking into cat ownership—excuse me, companionship—in the near future and I want a cat just like you.
Hell's Kitchen

Dear Hell’s Kitchen,

Naw baby, I ain’t no jackassed Scottish Fold. Folds are real ugly and they have this retarded accent that’s all like, “Hewwo! How awe yew?” You know, like that deaf priest in Princess Bride.

I’m an American Curl. Registered CFA two-time national Grand Champion, at that! American Curls are known for having a generally amiable disposition, but we can really bring sack if the situation calls for it.

This is a response from last week’s Celibate Nihilist, a 21 year-old male who shuns human contact.

What I guess it really comes down to is actually kind of simple: I have no reason to participate in my species, as you put it.

I have no great capacity (or time) for intimacy and therefore cannot justify using the resources to engage in something that really doesn't interest me, i.e., a relationship.

The truth is I've never felt comfortable being around anyone but myself and spend my free moments in solitude, circumstances allowing.

As for fuckin', it looks like fun but it's not my thing. By saying that, I mean I could never be naked in the presence of someone (other than my doctor I suppose) with the expectation of getting down. (This is not to say I would get down with my doctor, BTW) Whether this is because of some mental problem or just an aspect of my personality I can't say, but its nothing that bothers me.

I am perfectly willing to live this way.

I wish I could say the same for my parents, who think I am relatively normal and are becoming increasingly curious as to why I do not do the abovementioned things.
CN in AZ

Dear CN,

Hey, don’t fake it if it ain’t genuine. But still I have to wonder: since all of earth’s animals are primally programmed to "pull up to the bumper," what’s up with you? How come you’re different?

It could be hormonal, it could be a thing in your past, it could be a lot of things. I hear you saying all these excuses like “I have no time for intimacy” and “I am perfectly willing to live this way,” though, which implies in the subtlest way that you are in fact not happy living this way, because it causes problems in your life, and you’re writing in to an advice column about it. You don’t say things like that, unprovoked, unless you actually feel the exact opposite way. It’s a denial thing, made especially clear when you resort to the language of a public utilities budget report (“...therefore cannot justify using the resources to engage in...”). There is no style of language that is further from emotional honesty than the language which is used in government documents.

It is hard for you to establish contact with other humans, as you are naturally quite averse. One day, though, you’ll have a brief repartee with another human over a cash register, in line at a concert or at an airline counter that really gets you champing at the bit you wear. It’s then that you’ll see how two people can be greater than the sum of their parts. I’d be surprised if this hadn’t actually happened to you already, and you were both thrilled and terrified at the experience. Next time you feel chemistry, give it a chance.

Dear Readers: I have some terrible news. I recently received word that “the guy with explosive diarrhea” has passed away. Apparently he had been suffering from undiagnosed chronic ulcerative colitis. If only I had taken him seriously, he would still be alive today. I feel absolutely awful about myself right now. Oh my lord, how he must have suffered, just to be shunned and ridiculed by the only one he thought he could count on.

Donations can be sent to the family of Peter L. Tauss, Norwalk, CT. Peter was fifteen years old when he died.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.