My Advice Column for April 30, 2004

Man, I found out that those consultant guys are totally dissing on my Technology Corner rough draft. Roast Beef took some webcam footage of them just laughing and jumping up and down on the printouts I gave them, their shirts kind of untucked and their ties all loosened, giving each other high fives. One of the guys drew a picture of my head on his dry-erase board, except the top of my head was open, and a hand was pouring margaritas and toilet paper into the opening. I’m feelin’ pretty insulted right now. Anyway, here is advice.

ray

Oh PS I guess also it is the one-year anniversary of my advice column. This anniversary came at kind of a bad time. Maybe I’ll celebrate later, with a shot of…nothing.

Do you happen to have stats on the percent of single women that practice fellatio and that indulge in anal sex? Also, what is the best lube for anal sex? Are silicone lubes like Eros safe?
Have a great day! - Ralph

Dear Ralph,

You sound kind of selfish. Anyhow, if you’re going to write in to my column to discuss highly graphic sexual activity, please do not use the straightforward “shocking” words, but replace them with slang, so that people can read at work. For instance, read the following, which is your sentence but with the shocking words replaced:

Do you happen to have stats on the percent of single women that use Microsoft Excel and that Please back up the database at midnight, Ronnie.

There. See how much less offensive that was? Just make up words; I’ll know what you mean. I only get about three basic types of question in this column.

Dear Reader:

Guess what! Téodor and Beef just popped in with some egg rolls and chilly Johannesburg Riesling! They remembered that it is the anniversary of my column! Man, sometimes it is good to have a friend in this world.

Okay, we’re done with the vino and snacks and now I’m feelin’ like a dog barkin’ up a shit tree! Thanks for saving this column, fellas! Excellent.

Hello Ray. Hope to find you well. I have a small problem, and hopefully you have some answers. I am a student and painter at a college that has an active and close-knit art community. However, too many people are obsessed with the idea that "serious" art is the only worthwhile way to go. I like cartoons and comics; I find a great deal of them to be not only smart and often funny, but very well drawn. At the risk of being never taken seriously again, I'd like to show them how cool it can be to make art for fun and read comics; and hopefully remove the bugs from a few rear ends at the same time. Should I perhaps invite everyone to create a book of stories together, or a comic book mural project or something ? What's a good way to get shakin' on this idea ?
Thanks very much, Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Eh, don’t get too hung up on spreadin’ the word about comics. I don’t really think there are any good ones—at least, none that are better than watching a medium-quality TV show like Scrubs, Johnny and the Monster, or Power Night. Sure, I read like The Snodgrasses or whatever in my local paper every morning, but I usually can’t tell you what the Snodgrasses did because it was usually just to choke on an Oreo because the phone rang at a surprising time. It ain’t even that well drawn. In fact, I just looked in the paper and The Snodgrasses ain’t even there anymore. Huh. Did I hear something about the cartoonist committing suicide? I forget. Maybe it was natural causes.

Anyhow, I would advise you against having much to do with comics if you want a good life.

Hi there Ray. I'm a bartender, and I love coming up with new drinks. Problem is, I have trouble thinking of catchy names. I was wondering if you could help me out with this one:

• 1 1/2 oz. Vodka
• 1/2 oz. Triple Sec
• splash of Rose's Lime
• top with pineapple juice and orange soda
• garnish with a cherry

Definitely a drink that should be served with umbrellas and all that nonsense. Personally I'm more of a bourbon drinker, but this one's a hit with the ladies and I need a name for it. Any help would be appreciated.
Andrew, Long Beach

Dear Andrew,

A drink such as you describe would be named Papa Andy’s Baja Party Urine.

In the strip where Pat and Nice Pete bust outta prison thanks to lockpicks in the smokes given to Pat by you, Nice Pete mentions a movie, "The Devils of Monte Carlo." I was wondering, is this a real movie? I imagine that it must be pretty cool, what with busting people outta prison with lockpicks hidden inside of cigarettes, and would very much like to see it, if it does in fact exist.
thanks, ivan.

Hi Ivan,

If you re-read those strips you’ll notice that I actually have no idea about that movie. Just for kicks I went to look it up on the Internet Movie Database but I got sidetracked comparing Bosom Buddies co-stars Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari:

I, like all of us love downing a couple of bottles of vino [on] a friday evening and going out to partake in the night’s festivities. However lately amidst my fun and good will I have found a few feelings of deep remorse upon waking the next morning. Even the odd shattered memory of being really rude to someone creeps in occasionally.

Ray, are my days with the bottle numbered?
Sincerely, Stevo

Dear Stevo,

Wow, two songs (sometimes I call a bottle a song) before even gettin' outta the house? Yeah, that’s a problem. You’re like Lyle. You know, Lyle wouldn’t be such a bitter customer if he wasn’t on a bender all these long years. One time we went camping and he broke all his fig vodka bottles after falling off a rock, and we had all gotten lost really bad about six seconds before that, so he didn’t have a drink for like three days. At first he was pretty tough to be around, just sticking his finger right into our ribs while looking us straight in the eye, but then he laid down in a creek for about four hours and when he got up he was pretty introspective and helpful. It was weird to see the “baseline” Lyle, you know. It turns out he has parents and a sister and that when he was a kid he liked baseball. We actually had a pretty good conversation about maybe goin’ clean for a while if we ever got found. Kind of a rootsy thing.

Long story short, we eventually wandered out onto a major road and came across a 7-11, where we all went buck-nuts and Lyle and I sheepishly met each other at the cash register with six-packs of Colt 45. Pretty soon he was back to bein’ the Lyle who picks fights with guys who happen to be walking in front of him going the same direction.

I'm a senior in high school and have trouble making any relationship with a girl last longer than, say, a month. I know right now is not the best time for anything remotely long, I'm young and gotta live. Yet, it's baffling when girls who seem to be attractred by me suddenly start acting weird or stop calling. Although I try to be persistent, I usually give up. Last month my tremenduously gay cousin (male) came down so we could go clubbing in Tijuana. He brought his best friend (hot, hot female), who happens to be straight. They're 22 and I just turned 18. I knew her before I hit puberty, and I didn't see her again until their trip here. We went to Porky's and danced the night away to sounds of 80s music and some indie rock. She took some xanax, and I drank many dos equis. We ended up doing it, but I was rather disappointed because she's such a cool girl and I enjoyed her company a lot, more than anyone I've met before, and she left the next morning. She came down again two weeks later and we did it again, although this time it was more intimate. In the morning we spoke more, albeit sober and we found each other to be really interesting. She was really confident which can be intimidating, due to the age difference. My cousin and her often remarked about their sexual experiences, it was my third time, so I just sat there and listened. I felt uneasy, her promiscuity was easy for her to talk about, and hard for me to handle. I don't judge her by it but I like her. To top it all off, she gave me the nickname "little one," due to my age, and often writes to me. She's pretty tender, and horny. Is it all right to be intimidated? Should I try to date her if I am? I'm utterly confused, as you can probably see by the e-mail. Maybe you can help me clear my mind up. Should I persist with this one, even though she's infinitely more promiscuous? Or should I just forget about her. Maybe I should play catchup, wait a few years and begin dating her when I'm more experienced. What do you think is my best route?

Dear Anonymous,

It is never right to be intimidated by a horny lady. Try imagining that you are David Bowie when you’re dealing with her, acting all like a polished gentleman but a very busy one, always dealing with limo rentals and getting fancy suits back from a trusted dry-cleaner (use your normal voice if any of this happens on the telephone, not David’s voice). Make it up to you, not her. You’ve given the person you desire the upper hand, and the Thin White Duke would never do that. He would fly to France.

I have recently gotten a second job on weekends that requires me to be clean-shaven, or at least pretty close as part of the dress code, however I feel more confident with a little stubble and I find that the ladies prefer it (at least on me). I also find that if I go TOO long without shaving, I never develop a healthy beard but instead get unnattractive stiff hairs like those of a tarantula (my father had the same problem). Can you recommend a product or process that will allow me to keep just a dusting of stubble without losing my job, letting down girls, and looking like Jeff Goldlum half-way through "The Fly?"
–Sincerely , Scruffy in Chicago

Dear Scruffy,

Back in the 80s I had this electric shaver called the “Miami DeVice” which left a perfectly even layer of stubble on your face, just like Don Johnson had. Man, remember how cool that guy was in that show? White canvas shoes with a rattan sole, loose white trousers, pale peach blazer, shooting his Lamborghini Countach through a movie screen-size plate glass window as Phil Collins ducked under a white leather sofa. Early INXS tunes (Listen Like Thieves era) would be playing on the stereo system, until Jan Hammer’s intense music broke in over it all and the dudes had a shooting and kicking fight (which Don always won). Damn. God dammit.

Subject: sake tips (for John), attn: Ray's Place

I too live in MA, and sake's not that well-stocked here. If you can get near Boston, there are a few places; check the Reliable Market in Union Square. NY Chinatown has places too--just walk around. (I buy a bottle whenever I go to New York.)

For basic, fairly cheap brands, I recommend Momokawa (brewed in Seattle); it can be found for $9-13/750ml. Try their Pearl sake with a nice plate of curry. I'm also partial to Tenzan ("Heaven's Mountain"); it comes from western Japan, and has a thick, almost meaty flavor. I usually see it selling for $14-16/300ml. (These are all sakes that should be drunk cold.)
--George

John, also try just getting a chilled-up Heineken when you find yourself at sushi places. You usually get a little chilled mug.

Ray

I have two cats that are sisters, littermates actually. They have always been together and have very different personalities. Neko is very needy and snuggly. Mao is a little more distant. Not aloof like the cat stereotype, but just more comfortable not having to be all up in your grill all the time. Sometimes when they are getting very comfortable and snuggling up to each other, Neko will bite Mao on the neck and knead her back with her claws. Neko really gets into it and gets pretty rough. Mao sometimes doesn’t seem to mind, but just seems a little annoyed. Is this some weird lesbian incest thing I should discourage? Mostly I’m just concerned that Mao isn’t sticking up for herself and is letting Neko act out her fantasies because there are no other cats around. Mao is more than a little reserved as I mentioned above. She is actually slightly retarded and slow. Should I stand up for Mao since she obviously can’t or won’t or should I just leave them alone and let them work it out themselves?
Thank you for your time - Micah, Los Angeles

Dear Micah,

You know how when a human film production company is filming a “nature” video, they always let the crocodile eat the unsuspecting golfer or chicken or whatever? You shouldn’t interrupt in nature’s cycles. Eventually Neko will kill Mao and that is what is best for the gene pool.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history. Not for readers under 18 years of age.