Advice Column for June 25, 2003

Ray continues to answer actual reader questions. Got an issue? Need some advice? Email ray(@)achewood.com. Serious inquiries only, please. Inquiries having to do with something other than booze are now given first priority.

I've got an amazing woman coming over for dinne[r], and I can't dec[i]de what to put on as background music. I was thinking Miles Davis' Birth of the Cool, but I don't want to come across as too “slick.” Can you recommend some good music?
L. M., Port Richey, FL

Dear L.M.,

She’s “amazing,” huh? Sounds like you need to have some amazing music on, then! How about like Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony with a laser/water show set to the music, and dry ice smoke pouring out of your cooking pans and microwave?

I am just kidding with you, L.M. Seriously, don’t try to make a statement with the music. Just put on stuff you like that’s not too intense in one direction or the other. You don’t want to play some really loud, powerful song about how Ted Nugent loves to look at his own balls, but you also don’t want to play a song about how that guy from Smashing Pumpkins wishes he was a dead butterfly.

You know what my secret is? I have all these CDs from Pottery Barn, like all tango and mambo music that was recorded just for Pottery Barn, and I pop those in the changer. Damn, it’s like puttin’ the evening on auto-pilot.

Hey Ray,

Like you, I'm a man who likes his drink. But I'm also a man who gets hit by some really killer mornings after. Is there a patented Smuckles hangover cure, or do you just ride it out?
SF in the UK

Dear SF,

I really ought to write a book on this subject. I bet the book would be big enough for them to consider putting into hardback form, so much have I learned on this subject. Basically, a hangover is a combination of body poisoning combined with dehydration and withdrawal. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, but for every drink you have, pound a glass of water before you have your next drink. Believe it or not, you’ll actually get a better buzz on! Then, before you go to sleep pop an aspirin and chew a Tums. (that’s kind of an Asian secret, you know: taking care of mind and body alike).

If you didn’t do your part to pre-empt the situation and find yourself with a hangover, first try to decide which kind of hangover you have, and then use the provided remedy:

1. Plain old little hangover: you have a headache and are in kind of a bad mood. Pound a few glasses of water, hold your nose and take a shot of vodka. The Hair of the Dog is best in situations such as this.

2. Class Two Hangover: you are actually wondering if you might throw up, and are kind of scared of that. SLEEP is what you need. Drink at least one glass of water and sleep it off. Don’t kid yourself — you’re gonna be worthless until this passes. Remember: you won’t puke if you haven’t already.

3. Class Three Hangover: you’ve got the shakes, you’ve been sick on yourself, and you notice a little bit of dried blood in your ears. Don’t worry! You’ll be fine as long as you drink lots of water. You may get sick again if you try a Hair of the Dog so just do your time. Try not to let any light into the room.

my roommate and i are moving to a new apartment soon, and the apartment that we are moving to is on the campus of the college that we used to go to. my roommate thinks that this is great, because it is a great apartment, and cable is included in our rent. however, i have my reservations, because i do not want to look like an overgrown college student wannabe who cannot leave her party animal habits behind. do you have any advice for me?
not ready for animal house

Dear Not Ready,

When you go back to college to learn how to use capital letters, you will find that you fit right in with the enrolled students again.

Why is it everyone asks you relationship questions? I know you're about as good as they come when it comes to the ladies, but it must be boring to answer the same questions all the time.

Also, what kind of drink would you recommend for a guy who normally drinks darker beers, but is looking for the whole alcohol experience?
Joe

Dear Joe,

I think a lot of people ask relationship questions because relationships are difficult and confusing. As for your question about drinks: lately I have been into that tequila that Sammy Hagar makes. It is really nice. It’s called like Wobble Wobble or something. You can probably find it at the store.

Everyone I know seems to swear by a different kind of vodka. My friend Bill always has Absolut in his freezer, my friend Plake tells me that Grey Goose is the ultimate, I learned about Ketel One from you, I've heard people order "Stoly" at bars, and I've seen some brands with very very high price tags.

I've wondered if there really is a difference. I've tested the low end, and found that cheap, cheap vodka has a gasoline taste that I don't like. I would love to have a "vodka tasting" at my house, but it would cost quite a lot of money to buy a bottle of each premium vodka to taste.

So, Ray, can you tell me if there is a qualitative difference between brands of vodka, and if so, could you attempt to describe how gray goose differs from Ketel One?
Doug

Dear Doug,

This is a very good letter, and a very complicated question. The plain truth about vodkas is that, yes, the more you pay the better it will taste when drunk chilled and straight. Most inexpensive vodka is sold to be mixed and tastes rather nasty plain.

I personally prefer grain-distilled vodkas such as Ketel One and Grey Goose, as I enjoy their lighter body and flavor, but there are those who enjoy the thicker body of potato vodkas such as Chopin. Definitely get your friends together and sample vodkas, as that sort of party always ends up with a lot of incredible fun being had. Don’t let them help pay for the vodka up front: wait until they’re good and lucid on the stuff, and then they’ll try to act all kingly and pay you like way too much.

Give this a try:
"Chile 'N Cheese Roll-Ups"
Ingredients
4 ounces soft cream cheese
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
4 ounces diced green chiles
1/2 cup sliced green onions
1/2 cup chopped ripe olives
4 six-inch flour tortillas
1 case beer

Instructions

Combine first five ingredients. Spread mixture evenly on the tortillas. Warm the tortillas slightly to soften but not hot enough to melt mixture, too hot will make it hard to spread. Roll up and wrap in plastic wrap and chill for 2 hours or can be made ahead for the next day. Just before serving, slice the roll-ups into about half inch rolls and watch your guests try to guess what is inside! Drink the beer. Makes about 48.

Thank you reader

What is your position on Strip Clubs and places like that. I like to go there, but feel like a chump the next day. Is there a way I can still see some naked asses but not feel like some sort of country rube when I walk out?
P.

Dear P.,

Why do you feel like a “country Rube” when you walk out of a strip club? Experience tells me that you may feel bad about spending so much money on something that should essentially be free (naked waving of ass in the face) but come on now, let’s be real here. Someone had to build that building, and hire strippers, and give them a place to get ready, and get a liquor license, and rent a gleaming pole, and that ain’t cheap. People pay like nine dollars each to see “The Matrix II” but you won’t tip a dollar per dance to some lady who is creating an intriguing show just for you?

My position on strip clubs is that I love them and they are a lot of fun.

My girlfriend and I broke up but are still great friends, seeing as we always have a good time even when our pants are on. We want to keep spending time together and also have sex together, but also see other people. Is this a bad idea? Will it threaten our new friendship?
B.F., Madison, WI

Dear B.F.,

Okay, so you have this lady who wants no commitment but still wants to regularly “Enact a Humping Congress” with you. Obviously that’s a pretty decent situation, but as soon as she’s got all kinds of slimy guys on her “roster” you’re probably going to feel weird about “Collecting Taxes From That Ass.” This is basically turning into a situation where someone wakes up with “AIDS” so I guess you should just double-bag your little “Franking Privilege” and enjoy some “Pork-style Politics” while I “Continue to Mimic the Zagat Guide.”

Why is it that males whom I would otherwise consider not entirely devoid of intellect ask questions that boil down to, "What will impress The Ladies?" As if we a) were all exactly the same and b) could be obtained by a scam, as long as it were exactly the right scam?
Puzzled By Previous Questions.

Dear Puzzled,

Men want to impress ladies because they have a strong desire to mate with them. Sure, most guys don’t really have the best approach, but did you know that the dogs who climb on the most lady dogs eventually get one of the lady dogs to let them stay on? This was a study done by the University of Chicago in like 1582

In a few weeks I can look forward to the date where I come of legal age to imbibe alcohol in our fine nation. I'm not a totally inexperienced drinker by any means, but, well, I doubt I have the class to know exactly how to go about downing liquor like you do, seeing as how you drink enough to [etc]. So here's my question: come my 21st, I want to get good and tight, but what should I drink? I don't know much about liquor, but I want to pass out in style. What's your advice?
"Nearly Legal" In San Antonio, TX

Dear Nearly,

Identify a particular category of drink (beer, wine, clear liquors, colored liquors, etc) and stay within that category. Would you put seventeen different kinds of fuel in a car? Man, treat yourself like a Formula-1 vehicle and reap the rewards.

Settle a bet for me. If one were to take out their own eyeball and eat it, would it be similar to biting into a grape or sucking on a jawbreaker? My friend and I have been debating this for years but neither of us has the cojones to try it.
PM

Dear PM,

Not really sure about this one. Glad you wrote though. Good luck.

Regarding your response to Mr. Clean Plate Club, I have to say I am disappointed in you. Obviously the solution to his problem lies in requesting a different kind of garnish. Any bartender worth his salt rimmer knows that the best garnish for a vodka martini is a twist of lemon. I can tell you from personal experience that a twist also has a way of impressing the ladies.
Beachview Bartendress

Dear BB.,

Yes, a twist is a perfectly acceptable garnish for a martini. But why do you have to get all on your high horse and treat me that way? Damn, lady, I am feeling hella burned right now.

I seem to have trouble with opening lines [and] the ladies. I always seem to give the impression that I'm wanting to be their friend. And you know there's nothing worse than being stuck in the 'friend zone'. How do you get past this without being a complete arsehole (Australian spelling,) I mean, no one wants to be a prick, but I seem to over-do that.
N., Australia

Man, you are doing the worst thing possible: acting like you’re another girl. Being all “the friend.” All “listening” and all that. A woman wants a Man! Capital M! Long D! Jackhammer hips!

Be the man that women talk ABOUT, not TO. Because the man that women talk TO is essentially another woman, at least sociologically.

* A Gentle Reminder (“Disclaimer”): This is advice from a cartoon cat, and should not be taken seriously. We are not responsible for anything you do based on what Ray says, or otherwise. Do not commit suicide or otherwise interrupt the lives of others. Continue on with your life as though you had never read this column. Erase your browser history.